I have finally recognized what is going on.
I am in mourning. I grieve for the Cindy-who-was and the life I once led. I am trying to come to grips with the idea that THAT life may be over. Of course I must mourn it before I can begin a new life! Why should I expect myself to be the same person or even a NEW person overnight?
I am angry, grief-filled, intolerant, oh and did I mention angry? I must remember that at the end of this road is acceptance and understanding. And there will be joy again. Just not right this second. I have traveled this road of grief before. I will no doubt travel it again. It is a hard road, but one I can survive.
My name is Cindy and I have CFIDS. And it sucks. Someday, there may be a cure. Or it may spontaneously go away. But, for now, I must recognize that I am not who I was and I cannot expect myself to live up to that person’s standards or expectations.
I must redefine “normal” in this new way of life. Most days I make it to the office, if only for a few hours, and I can still do my own laundry and make my own meals. These are not small things and I will NOT take them for granted! I still have my laptop (thank Heavens!) and my handwork, even if it’s just hemming a pair of pants.
Mourning does not cancel out gratitude. And having gratitude does not mean that I shouldn’t mourn. I SHOULD grieve. I have had a loss. And that’s OK. And when I am done grieving (or at least when it hurts a little less), I will start a new adventure.
Let’s go create something!